1. A White Suit…..and the ability to wear it. Doesn’t necessarily need to be designed by Jean Paul Gaultier. Are they coming to H&M soon Madge? Or is that just your tracksuit?

2. The ability to sweat and not be teased for it. Not that I am a prefuse expeller of water beads anyway (cut the sniggering), however once while exercising in the presence of personal trainer and fitness companion, I was once WRONGLY labelled as such, even though said trainer had secretly poured water on my arse as a joke.

3. A pole and some monkey bars. Don’t be a headin’ down that dirty sniggering route again. Dust yourself off, wash your mouth out if necessary and release your inner child or some shit.
This used to be my playground… yada yada. I was good on the backflip and the hanging upside down. Say no to blisters.

4. A crucifix. Why not? It might help me justify why I actually wrote Catholic on the census a few years back when apparently I was meant to write Jedi. I prefer Dalek these days anyway…Maybe the cross isn’t so essential.

5. Disco flower. Versatile. Like a foldout sofa-bed.
Maybe Kylie would come to my house if I had one. I’d get more out of her than a mute Cat Deeley.

6. Some friends that can teach me to rollerskate and point at possible dangers up ahead at the same time.

7. A pet.

8. Friend from Yemen called Isaac for when I’m feeling the need to unleash my musicality and put the focus on my not-so-polished guitar playing. Replace with item #7 if too rare or exotic.

9. A glove, just like Madge’s, for when I open for Michael Jackson tribute band
Yee Heeee! Synergy.

10. No explanation necessary. Anyone who has ever told me that its what’s on the inside that counts, well I don’t believe you. Average 48 year-old women around the world - GET IN THE FREAKIN QUEUE! This is my list.

11, 12, 13, 14, 15 etc. Horse, beautiful children, back muscles, private chef, home gymnasium blah blah blah….

NB. I would also happily trade my young hands for Madge’s veiney wrinkled mits - as so described by the catty bunch at the Mail- for any of the above….It would bring her hand-age down from 55 to at least 20.